


but i never stopped thinking about you, not even a day

by trinitarias



Category: TOMORROW X TOGETHER | TXT (Korea Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst with a Happy Ending, Character Study, Choi Beomgyu-Centric, Gen, Miscommunication
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-29
Updated: 2020-06-29
Packaged: 2021-03-04 00:22:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,391
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24974518
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/trinitarias/pseuds/trinitarias
Summary: He can't pinpoint when exactly he started to think of them asTomorrow X Together Sunbaeniminstead ofUs, but it's already February and he thinks he should be over this.or: four months before they're set to debut, he's taken off the team.
Relationships: Choi Beomgyu & Everyone
Comments: 20
Kudos: 149





	but i never stopped thinking about you, not even a day

**Author's Note:**

> cw for negative thoughts, self worth issues & depression.

When he’s called for a little meeting with the managing staff, he doesn’t think too much of it. But walking into the room and seeing their somber faces makes him pause, consider.

They tell him, ‘we’re worried about your chemistry with the others.’

They tell him, ‘we’re not sure about you belonging with TOMORROW X TOGETHER.’

And at last they tell him, ‘we have been discussing the possibility of debuting a soloist and believe you have what it takes to make it work. The date we’re aiming for is December 2020. Are you willing to do it?’

Quick and sure; like ripping a band aid off, Beomgyu says yes. He doesn’t really have a choice.

(Because the thing is, he gets it. He sees Soobin and Yeonjun and can already imagine their fans saying _husbands_ ; he sees Taehyun and Kai and can see _soulmates_ and _best friends_. He sees Yeonjun and Taehyun and thinks _bad boy with a heart of gold and savage goody two shoes_ , Soobin and Kai are together so often the group already calls them _gum,_ Taehyun and Soobin are _each other’s safe space_ with a sparkle of _prince and prince._

Beomgyu… Works on it. He knows nothing he does can make up for previous months, years of companionships but he tries so, so hard. Still, it’s difficult to talk to people who clearly prefer another’s company. They don’t have to say it either, it’s in the way they won’t acknowledge his words, the way they roll their eyes at something he said or did when they think he’s not looking. It makes him fiddle; it makes him feel foolish, self-conscious and hollow. But then again, he should be glad he doesn’t need to try anymore.)

A week later, Yeonjun texts him: _dinner? I’ll pay._

(he’s the only one who texts him.)

They walk to the closest ramen place that isn’t closed. The air between them is tense; a string pulled taut. They sit in a booth farthest away from a window to avoid being cold. The place is almost empty.

Yeonjun orders because he’s always done that. Beomgyu supposes that _always_ can sometimes be short-lived.

They eat in complete silence.

Then –

‘Beomgyu,’ he finally says, trying to hold his hand from across the table. His eyes are terribly bright. ‘I – We wanted to fight for you but Soobinnie said – ‘he snaps his mouth shut and bites his lip, helpless.

Beomgyu swallows his hurt and says, ‘this ramen is really good.’

They don’t talk after that.

Yeonjun pays like he promised and they leave. Before they make their separate ways, he hugs Beomgyu like he hasn’t ever before and pleads for him to _keep in touch, please._

He smiles, all teeth and no joy to show Yeonjun that _this is nothing_ and replies with, ‘tell Soobin hyung that I forgive him.’

The lie feels like poison in his mouth, heavy, bitter and wrong. He can tell Yeonjun knows exactly how sincere his words are and for a moment it looks like he’s going to say something about it but decides against it, nods, and leaves without another word.

(when Beomgyu’s back in his new dorm, he has a message from him. It’s a simple: _did you get home safely?_

He doesn’t answer it.)

They get _flowers._ He doesn’t watch the videos, but the others do and it’s all they can talk about – their own birth flowers, which one they’d like if they could choose and so on. Beomgyu listens, imagines the chatter as fingers pressing down on his open wounds and doesn’t talk to anyone, not really. When one of them approaches him with the question, he blurts out the first thing that pops into his head: forsythia. The other boy nods and says, _makes sense_. He doesn’t bother to look it up.

He can't pinpoint when exactly he started to think of them as _Tomorrow X Together Sunbaenim_ instead of _Us_ , but it's already February and he thinks he should be over this. He shouldn't feel so much and he shouldn't be so fucking sad. He's still here. He can still sing and dance and – make his dream come true. He can still do this. Alone.

_Crown_ drops. He doesn’t leave his dorm for 3 day. No one contacts him.

When all the trainees gather to watch it he loathes them but loves them, loathes them and loves them. _I should’ve been there_ , he thinks as his heart makes the run all the way from his chest to his throat; threatening to fall out of his mouth in the practice room’s floor if he’s not careful.

They watch it 4 times, one for each member. Every time hurts more than the last one.

Then it becomes an obsession. Listen to _The Dream Chapter: Star_ until he can’t tell the difference between _masurisuri_ and _welikewelikewelike,_ dance to _CROWN_ until he’s so tired he can barely feel the ache in his chest, ignore the pitying looks the other trainees give him until they forget he exists again.

After their USA showcase, Choi Yeonjun invites him to dinner again. He glows with pride and satisfaction, a light so bright it’s impossible to ignore. He talks about the fans; he talks about the members and the sights, all wonder and starry-eyed. 

Beomgyu listens, making the appropriate _oohs_ and _really? wow!_ as the stories progress, change and intertwine. He tries his best to be happy for his … acquaintance, he guesses, at this point; he’s not sure if it works because he _knows_ he wears his heart on his sleeve but Yeonjun’s expression never falters, not once.

He thinks he’s done a remarkable job until Yeonjun mutters almost to himself, ‘I wish you had been there.’

Beomgyu pretends not to hear it, but he can’t pretend his heart isn’t bursting at the seams.

When they get back to BigHit, Yeonjun hugs him again. He tells him, ‘don’t be a stranger, okay?’ and waves him goodbye with a smile.

(this time, he considers it. But in the end, he figures Choi Yeonjun is too nice to say _you’re my favorite pity case._ )

During the first meetings about his image they make it very clear that they want him to start producing and writing most of his songs and it takes a really, really long time. He’s writing and dancing and composing and singing and so sad he feels like he’s walking with weights strapped to his feet. He still manages to submit a song per week only for them to be picked apart during monthly evaluation.

It’s early autumn and he’s with Adora in his studio when she tells him, _Beomgyu-yah, your songs are very good but_ , she pauses and tries to hold his gaze, _our producing and marketing team are concerned, they're too sad for the image we want to give you._ Beomgyu wants to tear his hair out and walk out of the studio because he's only truly inspired when he feels too much of something and he can't really say he's happy, lately.

But he nods and promises he’ll try not harder, but better. There isn’t any other choice.

(with a little tweaking, he submits songs he wrote back during the happiest times with the group, when laughter was always slightly out of reach but there if they knew where to look for it. Adora comes back with a grin, two iced Americanos and cupcakes from his favorite bakery. He smiles back.)

Beomgyu runs into Kang Taehyun weeks after _Runaway_ promotions are over. He’s leaving his practice room, Beomgyu’s going to his dance lessons and then he is just – there. Time has been good to him; Beomgyu hasn’t seen him properly in almost a year but he looks great, brown hair carefully tussled, makeup almost natural, blue contact lenses in place. Beomgyu feels muted, colorless just standing by him.

‘Hyung,’ he says, surprised. Beomgyu flinches.

Taehyun watches him like he’s something wild and hurt; calculating if he’s going to get bitten or not.

‘I’m going to the convenience store to buy snacks,’ he says lightly. ‘Do you want to come with me?’

Beomgyu doesn’t. ‘Sure.’

The walk isn’t as uncomfortable as he expected it to be; they simply have nothing to say to each other. Beomgyu remembers he could never completely figure out Taehyun back when there was an _us_ ; he was focused and passionate and aloof, real feelings and intentions always locked in with the key somewhere in Hueningkai’s pockets.

A single bell jingles as they go into the store; it’s small and almost deserted, white and blue lights making the night darker, the smell of coffee and cigarette smoke in the air. The clerk looks up from his book, _The Winner Stands Alone,_ and nods at them.

‘Do you want plum juice?’

Beomgyu blinks. ‘How do you know I like that?’

He shrugs. ‘I think I overheard it a few weeks ago.’

After, they stand side by side checking the snack aisle; close enough for people to be able to tell they’re shopping together, not enough to call them _friends_. He starts fiddling with the buttons on his coat, eyes never straying from the aisle. He doesn’t know why he said yes, why he’s here at all.

Taehyun breaks the silence with a soft, ‘why didn’t you ever call?’

He freezes.

_I didn’t call because I was too hurt. I didn’t call because if I did I would’ve said things I would regret and I have always cared about all of you. I was not worthy of you and it looks like you thought the same thing._

He doesn’t voice any of it. Instead he counters as playfully as he’s able to, ‘why didn’t _you_ call, Kang Taehyun-ssi?’

‘I don’t know any _Kang Taehyun-ssi_ ,’ he chirps back, picking a few things: gummies, chips, chocolate. Beomgyu mentally categorizes them: Hueningkai, Choi Yeonjun, Choi Soobin. ‘My name’s Taehyunnie.’

‘What?’

‘That’s what you called me,’ Taehyun tells him and Beomgyu feels the world shift under his feet. He adds like an afterthought, ‘we thought you needed time, too.’

That’s true, at least. He feels the pain lessen over the days, months; the _hurt anger disappointment heartbreak guilt_ simmering under his skin losing its wild spikes until there’s some sort of blanket over it, smoothing its edges out slowly, carefully.

(there are still bad days, terrible days, but they don’t happen as often as they did. It’s a relief.)

‘Kang Taehyun-ssi –‘

‘Taehyunnie.’

‘Taehyunnie. What do you want?’ he blurts out. He’s trying to understand what Taehyun is doing but finds himself empty-handed, confused and uncertain. If he wanted to be cruel, he did not pick the easiest way.

Now he seems wary, nervous. Under the harsh lights of the convenience store he looks oddly honest and vulnerable; makeup highlighting tiny acne scars and dark circles, blue eyes unnatural. He swallows, seems to find his resolve and looks directly into Beomgyu’s eyes as he answers, ‘I want to be your friend again.’

He doesn’t register Taehyun handing him a box of strawberry pocky and insisting on paying because _I asked you to come,_ his hand grabbing Beomgyu’s arm as he guides them both back BigHit’s building. Taehyun says _phone_ and he hands it over, dazed.

‘If you– ,‘ his voice breaks so he tries again, ‘if you’re okay with it please – contact me,’ he hands the phone back, squeezes his arm and with a hopeful look, he’s gone.

Convincing himself that it wasn’t a fever dream takes hours; when he checks his phone he’s faced with _Lovely Taehyunnie ♥_ saved on his contact list.

He doesn’t think. Slowly, he types and sends _I’m home_. Five minutes haven’t passed when Taehyun replies _, me too_.

In February, they give him the real date.

_Can’t You See Me?_ is good, Beomgyu thinks as he watches it with the other trainees, exactly four times.

The concept for the MV is interesting and the choreography’s focus on emotion is done beautifully. It’s haunting: Choi Yeonjun’s shock of blond hair against the house on fire, Hueningkai’s _cause you don’t understand me_ as the members play with each other in the bedroom, Taehyun’s vacant stare as everyone in the dining table talks without noticing his pain and Choi Soobin slowly tipping a glass over the edge until the inevitable end.

Beomgyu’s eyes can’t help following him; leadership has made him different in a good way, firmer, surer. It suits him. He remembers him soft around the edges, so kind and friendly it hurts to think about sometimes; the first person he could consider a close friend when BigHit’s building was still a new, strange place. Still, Choi Soobin might be the biggest bruise TXT left behind; he recalls Choi Yeonjun’s voice and expression so clearly it feels like it happened just yesterday, ‘ _but Soobinnie said_ –‘ and the emptiness that came later.

He watches for much longer this time, taking them all in: gestures, eyes, intensity, movements and execution; makes a few mental adjustments and decides to try adding them to the choreography. He likes to do this sometimes: take something by someone else, change a few things and make it his own. It’s the first time he’s decided to try with – them.

In between singing, writing, producing and dancing sessions, it takes him a few weeks. He dances with eyes closed to perfect his balance and feel the beat without the self-consciousness of looking at himself in the mirror dancing to their song and records it, gathers his wits and stops feeling like his insides have been gobbled up by grief and shame, analyzes it and does it all over again.

The music roars in his ears, beat thrumming in his veins; he thinks _I’ve made it perfect_ as the song hits its last note; he opens his eyes and almost gives himself a thumbs up or a little twirl when he notices he’s not alone and his smile drops.

Choi Soobin sits in the back of the room and looks at him through the mirror: lips parted, eyes wide and shiny and full of something that looks like _regret_. Beomgyu feels something between his lungs and his heart crack cleanly in half. He wants to snarl _you have no right to look at me like that_ , and _you do not deserve to be here watching me_ , _why didn’t you fight for me_ , _why didn’t you_ –

He voices none of it. He gathers all the little pieces left of affection he has for this boy and asks him politely to leave. When his voice doesn’t crack, he congratulates himself.

Choi Soobin stares at him for a long time while Beomgyu avoids his gaze, standing his ground. At last he stands up, bows deeply and says, ‘I thought the members were here. I’m sorry to have interrupted your practice.’

He makes his way to the door but just before reaching it, he turns back quickly and stutters, ‘y—you looked amazing. I’m g—glad that you –‘

He doesn’t finish the thought, choosing to hurry towards the door and closing it as quietly as possible, as if he was never there at all.

Beomgyu takes a deep breath, turns off the studio’s lights and decides to head home for the day.

In the end, Hueningkai’s the drop making the glass fall, shatter.

The thing is, sometimes Beomgyu gets notes on his jacket, on his backpack. They’re always encouraging and sweet one way or another and he finds himself looking forward to them, even if he thinks it’s the other trainees playing a prank on him. It’s been happening for months, a little more than a year.

He’s returning from a producing session when he steps into his practice room and immediately Hueningkai looks up from where he’s sitting on the floor and meets his eyes. He scrambles to his feet and holds a small paper to his chest.

‘Hueningkai-ssi,’ Beomgyu bows. ‘What brings you here?’

He laughs the kind of laugh that Beomgyu used to associate with nervousness and says, ‘I haven’t left a note in a while so I thought I should!’

‘What do you mean?’

Hueningkai’s shoulders drop, his entire demeanor going from nervous to disappointed in record time. ‘Ah, you didn’t get them…? I wrote a lot of them…’

The world spins too fast. He’s on the floor; the sob that tears itself from his throat has been coming for a long, long time. He pulls his knees against his chest and hides his face while bitter tears roll, roll and drop. He can’t breathe, his chest feels like it’s been carved out and his heart is too loud in his ears, there are arms around him and then there aren’t, he forces himself to stop shaking and finds that that makes it worse, so he lets it happen. Then there are more voices and he doesn’t dare to look up because of course he called the rest of them. Of course.

There’s a hand on the small of his back and someone saying _Gyu, Gyu, calm down_ , _breathe, hey_ , he can hear Taehyun’s voice telling someone to call Adora. She helps him stand up and tells TXT to _go back to your practice room, I can handle this._

When he looks up, all of them seem so concerned and sad that he starts to cry again. They don’t leave until he’s calm enough to ask them to. He doesn’t let them say no.

Adora drives him home and doesn’t ask anything, just hands him a bottle of water, shots him concerned glances and tells him to _keep hydrated_ and to _really take care of yourself this time, Beomgyu-yah_. 

(he gets them at roughly the same time.

From Choi Yeonjun: _are you okay? please answer. don’t make me go find you because i will._

From Taehyun: _hueka said he told you about the notes and he says to tell you he’s sorry. i think we all need to talk._

He answers both: _i’m doing better, thank you_ and _when you’re all free, you should come to my dorm._

They’re there a week later: in his tiny dorm they look impossibly tall; hesitant and uncertain, their eyes a little bright. He doesn’t hold back with his words: he tells them all about the anger, the ugliness, the envy, the sadness, the powerlessness.

He holds Yeonjun’s hands and tells him _thank you for always caring, I’m sorry I was too blinded to notice_ , he tells Taehyun _thank you for reaching out to me_ , he tells Soobin _there’s nothing to forgive_ and finds his heart lightening as he voices the thought, he tells Kai _thank you for being my small happiness for months without expecting anything back_.

And in return they tell him _did you think it didn’t hurt to not see you every day? Did you think any of us were happy? Did you think we had a choice? I thought you hated us, I’m sorry; I was scared and hurt too._

After, with heavy eyelids, puffy faced and spent, they fall asleep together.)

In January, Beomgyu walks into the blinding lights and they welcome him, warmer than he’d thought.

He rides BTS’ and TXT’s fame for his first 2 wins during the first week of promotion, but the rest happen during the third and final week and he knows they’re his to claim. K-Media calls him _charming_ and _refreshing_ and _the start of a new generation of soloist_ and happiness bursts out of him, a bubble filled with glitter suddenly popping and leaving behind a glimmering trail.

He checks his official social media, reads criticism and album reviews and likes every positive tweet from his secret account. When his fans – his fans! – start to notice and wonder, he just replies _ㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋ_ **.**

Valentine’s Day gives him his last Music Show win and a text from Kai. It’s a video: they’re watching his performance with the volume up as far as it can go. Taehyun sings along with a hairbrush, Yeonjun dances and occasionally yells ‘YA! Choi Beomgyu!’ and Soobin looks thoughtful, small smile on his face.

Kai’s face is so close to his phone screen the only thing visible is his forehead and a few curls. He yells, ‘we’ll treat you to dinner! What do you say, refreshing soloist Choi Beomgyu-ssi?’

He texts back _pick me up at 8, ill be waiting for you_ ♥.

**Author's Note:**

> title is from bts' _spring day_ but stereo dive foundation's _daisy_ deserves to be mentioned here too for the general feel of it. gyu said, 'i was the last one to be added to the team' and i was like 'ha ha. imagine,' then i was sad for weeks (& i promise i tried my absolute best to not make it Too soogyu but i think i failed miserably...). forsythia is a flower he has mentioned before & it means anticipation. very fitting for this, so thank u bg & thank you for reading! if you find any spelling mistakes, please let me know.


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